This is my story of the sexual abuse I endured as a child

and  how  the power of God's love overcame the fear and trauma

of being sexually abused during my infant years

where faith in God gave me hope
   during my late teens    and my adult years.

My earliest memories of the first  few years of my life are mixed
There are the fond memories of my grandmother's love for God  and God's love and her love for me.

verses the sexual abuse in my early years that I endured.

    when it stoped at the age of 4 the memories were locked in a memory vault 

         at the end of long dark tunnels guarded by guilt and shame.

outwardly I was "a good kid"

   but csa had it's impacts  

After decades of searching for
"the thing" that from time to time
was driving me
I now have recovered memories of the
 evil acts of sexual abuse (csa)
 - my painful memories.

and the confusion of my parents  sending me to the monsters house  again and again.

my mother on one hand complaining
that after being sent to the monsters
house  on my return I exhibited "behavoural problems"

and yet my pleas not to be sent back
     to the monsters house were ignored

being sent back was a violation of my will
           
I also remember
 a Sunday School teacher demonstrating God's love.
I remember how my heart was warmed
when we sang "Jesus loves me"
but I simultaneously felt that His love
   wasn't reaching deep down
   now I realise
   parts of my heart were closed,
   and would only be opened
   decades later.

I remember my church being my sanctuary.

I also I remember being sat next to mrs monster
 at my aunt's wedding    against my wishes
and objecting to her being there -
why wasn't I sitting with my cousins?
Why wasn't I sent to be with my cousins
during the reception?


When my brother was born - why wasn't
  I minded my my grandparents
    with love, care and safety ?
Why did my father take me to the monsters house?

I remember  being kept in a darkened room
I remember screaming "Nooo !!!"

I grieve that my father ignored my pleas
not to go back on the second Monday
I begged him to take me to my grandmothers
he just said it was too late
to change the arrangement
I gave him a plan to make the change
   he dismissed my plan.

When he collected me each afternoon
he  didn't he notice my distress.

my mother minimises
the long term impact on me.
"Why can't you snap out of it?"
      she asked me

my father is in denial.

Many survivors of
csa (child sexual abuse)
report that in order to survive
 the pain and trauma of csa
we disassociate or switch off

When there is no one to tell
 no one to  intervene
(or my rescuer blocked )
the painful memories are buried.
but they are there
and when a crack appears
           they flood out -
   maybe in an unexpected moment
            before the gate is shut
   maybe as a flash back  whatever

So I lived my life being very disassociated
       - I spent the last year of infants
school and primary school alone
with no desire to relate at lunchtime
but very lonely.

my teenage years were a mixture
of good boy, confused teenager
   and longing to be part
of the in crowd
   hindered by my mother's controlling influence ,
the "good boy" mask she put over me,,
and csa factors.

many classmates thought I was a
mummies boy -
it was an understandable  mis diagnosis


I also had a csa induced gate
which would shut,
closing the door to joining in.

 Underneith I was a fun loving boy
looking for adventure

I found freedom
in the Church Youth Group at age 16
 and Jesus Christ found me
   when I was 17.  I received Him
   with great  enthusiasm.

but somehow I couldn't get rooted and grounded in the faith
    though I wanted to.  I longed to.

the next three years were turmoil.,
I was a worldly "christian"
   weakened by liberal teaching

and not conscous of csa memories,
shame and pain driving me.

I had bouts of anger.

   I was a rebel with a cause
 and related to the protest movement
moderated by what Christian morality
survived the pop music themes
and the questioning of those years.

the year I turned 21 ,
a revival swept the world
Christ became real.  I received
His power into my life
strengthened by solid teaching

the next year when I left home and lived
       on campus at university.
I emmersed myself in prayer,Bible study, teaching and responded to ministry.

however there was some unknown factor
something many sensed
but no one could  put a label on it.

I found relief
God healed my pain enough for me not
to need pain relief

Only in middle life
in the typical 35 - 55 age group  did csa emerge

No one had spoken about csa

it was only during councelling after Child Protection became a public issue
and after the trauma of  finding my
opposition to an abuser in my church
was being opposed
I found that something was driving me to pursue the matter with vigor
no one and nothing could stop me

At first my memory of being
indecently assulted at 14
- locked in a teacher's office
  a bear "hug" then his hand
- a stroke with
         the impact of a sword
  an evil touch   left to wonder out into the playground feeling "bad"
  with no one to go to.

after all my parents had ignored me
many times in my infant years

a few years after this memory surfaced a mega church in our  city
ran a 8 week course
             for male survivors
I did it twice with follow up councelling
             with the psychologist.

but it was a few more years
            - only two years ago

that ( fearing a court case when I asked
     my father to support me in claiming
     councelling costs for the csa at 14)
that two days later
my mother finally disclosed that
 mr and mrs monster minded me
   when I was 2 for a week and a day
 then occasional visits to about 6
that csa memories began to flood out.

I was fortunate to find an on line forum
                       - then another two
that  I was able to process the stuff
                                              inside.

and loads of pastoral care,
                 prayer ministry,
councelling
 hours on my own processing stuff

I had asked my mother several times
(in my early twenties, in my forties )
"What happened in my childhood?"
She said once "you were very sick"

but it didn't add up.
I vaguely recalled that I wasn't born sick
and deep down the  "being sick"
                                      didn't explain 
what I was trying to process.

I constantly prayed for answers.
from my twenties.

now child protection is taken seriously
there is information, councelling,
programmes for survivors -
inadequate but in existence.

I am grateful to all the survivors
 who shared their journey
and insights with me

and the many Pastors who have
stood  with me
and encouraged me
and prayed for me  over and over again.

my story is written in a different format
than what I expected

to discuss my story
or any issue raised
 email me at:

nathan@menopeningheartstojesus.com


I hope my story helps other survivors

especially men struggling with
 unresolved
  or buried csa memories
   just starting to surface.

I must share more about how I broke the barrier of pain and shame
   with God's help..

guess that's why I started by talking
about my God loving grandmother
I was safe when I was with her

and I saw the power of God's love
 in her life

I only wish I had escaped
and that my grandparents
had have gained custody

In recent years I found
God's love casts out fear.


God bless you and your recovery.

Nathan